21 Oct

Closure. Ah! Such a sweet word. So strong and yet so elusive. It comes to you like a jolt, an insight, in the form of an unfolding of secrets and lies, or an honest talk, or maybe just one fine day, it calls on you while you brush your hair and puts your heart to rest, soothing your nerves with a soft hand, and in that moment, you just know that the worst is over.

I had heard people talk about it and never really understood why it seemed so difficult for them to get a closure. I know now that it is because its never where you look for it, and it never comes when you search for it frantically, it just visits you when it must, tapping on the back of your head, and that’s when the invisible curtain is lifted and you can see everything clearly that was there right in front of you all along.

I never knew just how integral closure was to survival. Until now.

You realize it when that one thought keeps gnawing at your brains every waking second, and takes a bizarre, monstrous form in your sleep, when no amount of things manage to distract you, when it feels like your thoughts keep going off the straight road you set them on, zigzagging their way to the winding routes the moment you set your eyes off them.

So you try to calm yourself down, light a cigarette, watch the wisps of smoke rise up and disappear into nothingness. It provides some respite, until you hear his voice in your head, disapproving this habit of yours. You move on and try reading this new novel you really like, but you manage to read only half a page when you suddenly remember the exact time and place when you sat discussing the story with him. You fling the book away in dismay, and put a light hearted movie on, but soon your eyes get defocused and all you can see instead is a series of grainy pictures of you two running through the mall to catch a movie. You give up exasperated and lie down curled up willing yourself to sleep, all the while yearning to rest your head on his chest and feel his arm wrapped around you. You miss the warm embrace, it used to be your refuge, a place where you climb in and pretend to be invisible to rest of the world. Because you already had your world wrapped around you. A lone tear trickles down your cheek and you wipe it away, angry.

When this happens every moment, every day, you soon find yourself wishing for a miracle, anything that will take this torture away. You pray, you meditate, you take advices, and then give up dejected when none of it offers a solution. You dread having to plough through another day with the baggage on your back, weighing you down, the weight only seeming to increase with every passing day. You pray for an end, a closure.

I never knew just how integral closure was to survival. Until now.


One Response to “Closure”

  1. Nicholas May 12, 2014 at 11:32 am #

    clearly u didnt try enough chocolate ice-cream … gives better results than even liquor ;D
    mayb mix the 2 😛

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