Archive | September, 2012

The 1am story

18 Sep

 

I go through my contacts list and reach your name. Panic. My heart starts beating fast. Until it is finally thumping against my ribs. My insides feel like they have been turned inside out. My knees go weak. It feels like all the air has been sucked out of me as I sit there with the phone in my hand, and waves of uneasiness wash over me one by one. The voices in my head enjoy their debate, one telling me to go and talk to you, to listen to my heart. the other telling me to be calm and patient, to preserve my self esteem. I listen to it, and engage in self statements discouraging myself from talking to you. Telling myself that it is going to be a disappointment. I get convinced and my body relaxes slowly. I feel strong and empowered.

Hey, am I getting over you?

I fight this inner battle many times a day. As the practical voice wins over the emotional one, I feel I am finally reaching the shore. Maybe it is the meditation. Or the baby. Or the support of my loved ones.

Then comes the night. I look at the watch and see it is 1am already. “Not bad”, I tell myself. Just a few more hours and another day will be over. I fiddle with my phone and my fingers reach your name. The voices in my head jump up to action, each validating its own point with instances. I panic even more, seeing the magnified pile of notes in front of me. “Another night wasted”, I think to myself. I scream out loudly in my head. Sick of the ambivalence. Desperate and yearning for anything that will put my mind at peace.

And then,

“Hi. Awake?”